The plan is the “NEXT!” team (performer Kiki and stage manager Anjali) get up to Edinburgh a day early and paint the town yellow with “NEXT!” posters and flyers.  Then back to their Marchmont flat for a bottle of wine before everyone else arrives on day 2!

On the train, we saw our first preview.  A loo installation called ‘Revolving Door’ which starts well.  The performer enters, we see the door close, then just as everyone’s settling in and thinking “I’ve seen this sort of thing before” the plot turns and the door opens again, like curtains, catching everyone by surprise.  Brilliant stuff! 5 stars!  Best toilet humour on the fringe!  “NEXT!”

It’s been 3 years since Liberated Theatre came to Edinburgh Festival with ‘MUTTON’ and before that “BABOOSHKA’.  But we still know what to do; find out when the parties start.  Firstly, Ed Fringe Party and Fringe Sunday.  Spend a good hour on the train searching all the sites.  In the end resort to ‘Ask James’ (Seabright) who promptly informs us that neither now exists now, due to “budget cuts”.

“NEXT!”  Hit the town with “NEXT!” posters, only to find Lady Boys have taken every single available space for their brand new show especially for Edinburgh… ‘Lady Boys of Bangkok’.  We did find the odd space though and squeezed in next to them.  There’s always a few arsey places that don’t take flyers or posters or smile or get into the spirit of things… just reap the rewards of the thousands of people descending upon Edinburgh for the shows, that they refuse to have anything to do with.  One such place, is ironically called ‘Festival Supermarket’ on Grassmarket.

But we must have walked 500 miles.  And we would walk 500 more - just to get to a place on a wall, a windowsill, a door, or a dog that Lady Boys hadn’t already taken.  Refilled at some of the nice places on the way – The City Café, The Last Drop and ‘The Duke of Marchmont’ – so good to see the place has reopened!  It’s like having a drink in someone’s living room, with a group of friendly strangers.

10.10pm Go to ScotMid (Scottish for Co-op) for provisions and of course that well-earned bottle wine.  Buy batteries for my vibrator – it’s not mine by the way, it’s a prop for the show!  More Blu Tac and a bloomer for 10p ! I’ve never bought a loaf of bread for 10p in my life - ever!  Bread and wine – perfect!  But shock horror, the covers are over the booze section!  Scotland doesn’t sell alcohol after 10pm!  OMG so after all that walking - 500 miles… nothing… Just to be the women who walked 1000 miles… to fall down at our door…

Surely if Edinburgh sold alcohol after 10pm, when everyone wants it - they would have the budget to put on the Launch Party and Fringe Sunday… I know, I know - that’s not how it works… But you know what we mean.

So what have we learned - no matter how early you get to the festival, you could get here a whole year early, but Lady Boys will have got here before you.  Prioritise and buy your alcohol before you put your posters up, move the furniture around in your Ed Flat or put up the pink Christmas tree found in the box room and don’t waste space in your suitcase for posh frocks to wear at the Ed Fringe Launch Party.  “NEXT!”

“NEXT!” will be performed from 5-30 August, at the Assembly Hall - venue 35.  Read more details here.